My babies and their pain. Feeling every but of their pain as if it was my own

Sitting in my car,  bawling my eyes out on a cold rainy February day in a small town outside the courthouse.   That's where I was on the day of my oldest child's wedding.  A wedding I was asked not to attend.  Fuck.!!! Just writing about it makes me feel it all over again like it was still happening. I sat in the parking lot hoping to get a glimpse of my oldest baby and her new husband walking out of that small town courthouse. I so badly wanted to see her in the happiest moment of her life. Seeing how beautiful she is wearing that big smile of hers and happy tears after she tied the knot with the man of her dreams. Such a day cannot ever be replaced but she chose to exclude me. Because she is punishing me? Because she hates me? Because her husband hates me? I'll probably never know the real reason. Because of what I said to her that dreadful night ? Dammit I can still barely talk about it and even typing this is difficult.  My heart, well it's in shambles.   Time is one thing you can't get back , no matter what when its gone its gone no second chances no do-overs , its just gone.  I've learned that the hard way.  I can't imagine what most moms would have to do that would be so terrible to get told not to attend their daughters wedding but whatever it was, I did it.  And she will not forgive me and she will not allow me in her life, which she has that right  and that fucking sucks.  It sucks so bad . I don't have to like it but I have to respect her choice.  I hate it and I want to flip the fuck out and I still might   I hope she never has to feel this sort of pain from one of her children or from anyone.  I would kill aomeone jf they hurt her like this without a second thought. I'm angry, so angry I want to freak out and scream and tell her to go fuck herself.   Then I want to blame her husband because my child would never do this to me. Then I just cry. I sit here and I cry my eyes out. Sometimes I try to contact her but mostly I just cry.  I feel so empty and I feel like I'm an ugly person. Only a monster would be treated this way so I start to think of myself in a terrible way.  I know she doesn't think I'm good enough or make enough money or have a nice enough car and those things are how she judges people which to me is insanely stupid and cold hearted not to mention rude and shallow  only a stuck up girl would judge like that especially her own family but that's what is happening.  She can take her money and fancy things and fancy friends and shove them up her spoiled ass.  -  the angry in me coming out.  Fuck I'm so mad.   It only gets worse from there too.   I wish I could hate her like she hates me so I could just not let it bother me but it is absolutely killing me.  I am blocked on Facebook so I can't even look at her pictures or know what's going on. It's like she just erased me and I never existed. I want to say nasty things to her when I see her but now I think I will stop attending  functions she will be at so she isn't uncomfortable with me being there.  And I don't trust myself to not say something mean or attack her and her husband .I need to figure this out soon bc my grandmother's memorial is coming up and it's going to be awkward if I go .  And then if I stay home she will have a reason to bitch about me some more about how I don't show up to shit and justify her shutting me out.  I refuse to kiss her ass though. I don't feel I did that much wrong to her to deserve this and I am so fuvking mad.